The United States is not designed to support you as a new parent.
As a therapist for new parents, I work with folks every week who are feeling crushed by the weight of their mental load. Yes, there are absolutely things you can do to simplify your mental load. It’s important that you do when you can. But, even in a hypothetical scenario where you could do this perfectly, it’s very possible and even likely that it’d still be really hard. That’s because the mental load problem for new parents isn’t really an individual issue – it’s a societal one.
Your context – including the country you live in – matters. Of course, being a new parent has its challenges no matter where in the world you live. If you live in the United States, the challenges of becoming a parent are intensified because you’re inside a system that is simply not designed to support you.
Here are just a few reasons why it’s so hard to be a new parent in the United States.
It can be a struggle to get the healthcare you need in the United States.
Unlike many other high-income countries, the United States does not offer universal healthcare. This means that having a baby can be incredibly expensive. Even if you have insurance, your out-of-pocket expenses can add up quickly. Depending on your family’s financial situation, this can make it difficult to seek out medical care (including routine prenatal care, psychotherapy, physical therapy, lactation support) even when you need it.
This, alongside widespread racial, ethnic, and gender bias in our healthcare system have led to a maternal health crisis in the United States. Pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period are becoming increasingly traumatic and dangerous, especially for Black and Indigenous communities. So much of this is preventable. Unfortunately, when our systems don’t prioritize this prevention work, much of it falls on individual women and families – like you – who are expected to advocate for themselves in an already vulnerable time.
The United States considers parental leave to be a luxury, not a right.
The United States is the only high-income country in the world that doesn’t offer paid parental leave. Instead, the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) offers job protection to ELIGIBLE employees for up to 12 weeks of UNPAID leave.
Maybe the stars are aligned for your family. You happen to be eligible for FMLA. You live in a state or work for a company that offers some paid parental leave. Or, you have enough savings to sustain your family while you take time away from paid work. But if those stars aren’t quite aligned, then you could face a difficult choice: return to work before you’re physically and emotionally ready OR risk losing your job.
Quality childcare is inaccessible for most families in the United States.
Figuring out your family’s childcare arrangement can add a huge weight to your mental load as a new parent. In many states, childcare is more expensive than college tuition. Even if you can afford childcare, you’ll likely have to compete for limited availability by getting on waitlists that can be months or even years long.
The lack of affordable childcare in the United States is a reflection of a few assumptions made by our system. First, there’s an assumption that you have a partner and that one of you (probably mom) is a stay-at-home parent. Second, there’s an assumption that you have the financial resources to pay for childcare. Third, there’s an assumption that, if you don’t have the financial resources to pay for childcare, you’ll enlist the support of a family member (like grandma) for free. Basically, investing in childcare as a society isn’t a necessity because you as an individual family can and will figure it out.
These assumptions don’t take into account all the single parent families, two-parent families where both partners choose to work or HAVE to work, or families that live paycheck to paycheck (even before factoring in childcare expenses). They don’t take into account families that live far away from their relatives or the reality that grandmas have bills to pay too.
The work culture in the United States is not family friendly.
It’s not your imagination – your workplace is (most likely) not designed to support you as a new parent. This is especially true if you’re a new mom thanks to the very unfair “mommy tax” – or, the loss of professional and financial opportunities you’ll face for having kids. Meanwhile, dads are often rewarded with the “fatherhood bonus” – a slight INCREASE in professional and financial opportunities. But, even for dads, there’s a catch: if dads request time off or a flexible work schedule to be more involved in caregiving, they can be penalized too. If dads opt out of these penalties, they miss out at home. They also leave moms – who often can’t opt out – stuck holding the bill. This dynamic reinforces the idea that women are primarily responsible for caregiving. In doing so, it also attempts to justify the penalties working women face for having kids.
The United States has a “work comes first” mentality. Your responsibilities outside of work – like caring for your baby – are often considered a liability. All of this takes a mental and emotional toll. You might feel stuck between being a good parent and a good employee – even if you’re doing your best at both.
The United States centers traditional gender roles.
Traditional gender roles are still deeply ingrained in our society, especially when it comes to parenting. The cultural expectation is that women happily become mothers and mothers happily become responsible for the majority of their family’s mental load and domestic labor (even if they also work outside of the home). Their purpose is to meet the needs of others, even if it means sacrificing their own.
Meanwhile, men and fathers are expected to take on a provider role, often pressuring them to prioritize time at work over time with family (even if they’d love to be more involved with their kiddos). When wage increases are outpaced by the rising costs of housing, utilities, groceries, childcare, healthcare, etc., the stakes can be incredibly high. If their family is struggling financially, it’s because they’re failing in this provider role.
Parents who exist outside of these specific genders or roles are often met with suspicion or judgement. But, at the end of the day, rigid roles and expectations aren’t fair to anyone and can undermine the wellbeing of the whole family.
Political tensions often run high in the United States.
When political tensions run high, the rights of vulnerable groups are often targeted and attacked. This includes the rights of women, LGBTQ+ folks, communities of color, immigrants, the disabled community, veterans, etc., etc., etc.
If your family belongs to any of these groups, you may at times wonder if you’re truly safe in this country. You may be concerned about your child’s future and what kind of world they’ll grow up in. And even if your family isn’t being targeted today, you may worry about being targeted tomorrow. This political uncertainty and unpredictability can sometimes make it feel really scary to be a new parent in the United States.
Why are we talking about this?
I pinky promise – it isn’t my goal to bum you out or overwhelm you. My goal is to help you become more aware of a few things:
- When our systems fail your family, you’ll often be made to believe it’s your fault. When, really, so much of this is outside of your control.
- There are some things that are within your control: thinking critically about our systems, advocating for the kind of world you want to live in, and making choices in your own day-to-day life that support your family’s wellbeing as best as you can.
- Even if you’re doing ALL the things, it may still feel really hard. It’s not your imagination, it’s not just you, and it’s NOT your fault.
Maybe someday, the United States will make the necessary shifts to support new parents. In the meantime, I hope you’ll keep these things in mind.
