Do you ever get the feeling that you’re creating your life based on someone else’s idea of what’s important?

If so, you’re not alone. In this post, I’ll be talking about inherited vs chosen values (spoiler alert: they’re not mutually exclusive). Understanding the difference between the two and when each of them is influencing your decisions will help you create a version of life and parenthood that is a great fit for YOU.

Let’s talk about the difference between inherited vs. chosen values.

Once upon a time, you were a little kid. 

Growing up, you looked to the people and communities around you to learn about the world and your place in it. You existed in the context of a specific family and cultural background. You lived in certain neighborhoods, went to certain schools, and hung out with certain friends. Maybe you participated in various sports teams, clubs, or other extracurriculars. You may have belonged to a spiritual community. And, all of this existed in the context of a larger society at a particular point in time.

You were handed a set of values (aka your inherited values).

All of these people and places combined to form your unique social context. And that social context held a particular set of values. These values often become your default setting as you transition into adulthood. These are your inherited values.

Some inherited values help you to create the life you want.

When they do, you might sense that:

• Your inherited values feel meaningful and authentic to you.
• Living out these values leaves you feeling proud, motivated, and purposeful.
• You want to see more of these qualities in the world.
• You consider these values a priority for you and your family.
• They’re aligned with the kind of person and parent you want to be.

Other inherited values don’t help you to create the life you want.

When they don’t, you might sense that:

• There’s obligation or a lot of “should” energy around these values.
• Living out these values leaves you feeling resentful, depleted, or angry.
• You want to see less of these qualities in the world.
• You don’t consider these values a priority for you and your family (even if you recognize and honor their importance to others).
• They’re NOT aligned with the kind of person and parent you want to be.

Chosen values are the ones you move towards on purpose.

While inherited values are the ones you move towards by default, chosen values are the ones that you move towards on purpose. They’re the ones that are personally meaningful to you. They’re the ones you’ve opted into with awareness, intentionality, and enthusiastic consent. When your inherited values help you to create the life you want, they can become your chosen values.

What if your inherited values don’t help you to create the life you want?

This can be tricky for so many reasons. One reason is that it’s sometimes easier to know what you DON’T want than it is to know what you DO want. It can be really hard to figure out a new way forward when you don’t have a clear picture of what that looks like. A great place to start is by exploring what matters most to you and painting a picture for yourself of where you might want to go from here. For more support with this, check out this post where I share 7 questions to help you clarify your personal values as a new parent.