Tough conversations can be a chance to connect.

Tough conversations are a natural part of meaningful relationships.  Whether you’re at odds with your partner, your family, or your boss, conflict can be uncomfortable.  But, with the right strategies, it can also be an opportunity for connection and growth.  It’s less about avoiding tough conversations altogether, and more about how you approach them.

Here are 7 tips for tough conversations.

Tip #1: Find a good time to talk. 

Sometimes, tough conversations will sneak up on you at a less-than-ideal time.  Maybe you’re sleep deprived, hangry, or trying to comfort your crying baby.  If you’re in the middle of a stressful moment, it can be hard to give an important conversation the attention and care it needs. 

That’s why, when it comes to tough conversations, timing matters.  When possible, try to find a time where you and the other person are more likely to be present, calm, and focused. 

Tip #2: Check in with yourself.

When you’re expecting a tough conversation, it can be helpful to ask yourself these four questions:

• What happened?
• What’s coming up for me? 
• What’s important to me right now? 
• What am I asking for? 

Consider using your answers to these questions to prep what you might want to say.  For example, let’s say you’re a new parent wanting to talk to your partner about sharing the mental load at home.  This might sound like: “I’ve noticed that I’ve been falling into the default parent role lately. I’m feeling frustrated because teamwork and fairness are really important to me.  Would you be willing to talk about how we might split our responsibilities in a way that feels good to both of us?”

Without first checking in with yourself, it’d be easy to default to criticism (“you never help me with anything” or “I always have to do everything myself”).  Even if there’s truth to that criticism, this is more likely to trigger defensiveness and less likely to have the outcome you’re hoping for.  

Checking in with yourself using these four questions can help you communicate in a way that’s honest, clear, and collaborative.

Tip #3: Aim for understanding.

You may assume you already know what someone is thinking and feeling.  Having a conversation is an opportunity to check your work.  Do your best to understand: 

• What happened from THEIR perspective?
• What’s coming up for them? 
• What’s important to them right now?
• What are they asking or hoping for?   

The goal isn’t to have the same perspective or to convince the other person that your perspective is the “right” one.  Two different people with different contexts and different experiences will likely come to different conclusions from time to time.  That’s okay.

When you focus on understanding each other’s perspectives, you’re better able to collaborate from a place of connection and mutual respect.  

Tip #4: Clarify shared values. 

What if you understand each other, but disagree on the path forward?  You’ve clarified what each of you are asking and hoping for, but it turns out these things aren’t workable for one or both of you.  

In these cases, it can be helpful to imagine a venn diagram.  One circle represents your values.  The other circle represents theirs.  The space where the circles overlap represents the values you share.  Clarify what those shared values are, then brainstorm potential solutions that support them.  

This can help you shift from a “me vs. you” mindset to an “us vs. the problem” mindset.  See how it feels to approach the conversation as though you’re working together on the same team.  

Tip #5: Take a break if you need it.

Emotions – even intense ones – are normal and expected during tough conversations.  Sometimes, those emotions can become so intense that they make it hard to think clearly or communicate in a productive way.  If you notice this happening, give yourself permission to take a break.  

Do your best to let the other person know why you’re taking a break and your plan to return to the conversation.  This might sound like: “I notice I’m starting to feel really angry and I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret.  I’m going to give myself a beat to cool off and collect my thoughts.  Could we try again in 30 minutes?”  Communicating in this way will hopefully help to avoid any unnecessary confusion about your intentions.  This isn’t about shutting down or punishing them – it’s a strategy to help you show up to the conversation in a more grounded way.

If you’ve reached a point in the conversation where emotions are so intense that you’re needing a break, it’s likely that you’re experiencing a physiological stress response.  Even if you’re technically safe, your body may be perceiving conflict as a threat and may start gearing up to physically respond to that threat.  When this happens, you might notice physical sensations – like a racing heart, sweating, tension, or a knot in your stomach.  That’s why, when you take your break, you’ll want to start by doing something that helps your body feel safe again.  This could be anything from drinking a glass of water to stretching to taking some deep breaths.  When your body is feeling a bit calmer, you can return to tip #2 – check in with yourself again before heading back to the conversation.

Tip #6: Focus on what’s within your control. 

During tough conversations, it’s important to keep in mind: you are not in control of anyone else’s thoughts, emotions, values, boundaries, or actions.  While this can be uncomfortable or frustrating, it can also be a reminder to focus on what is within your control.  

You’re in control of how you respond to your own thoughts and emotions.  You’re in control of the values you prioritize, the boundaries you set, and the actions you take.  

Focusing on what’s within your control helps you stay connected to your own sense of agency, while also respecting the agency of the other person.  Even if a conversation doesn’t go exactly how you hoped it would, you can know that you showed up with integrity and care – for yourself and the relationship. 

Tip #7: Reconnect.

Tough conversations can take a lot out of you – mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Even in the best case scenario where a conversation goes as well as you could have hoped, it’s common to feel vulnerable or uncertain about where your relationship stands.

That’s why it can be helpful to wrap up or follow up your conversation with a chance to reconnect.  This doesn’t have to be a big gesture.  Depending on your relationship with the other person, this can be as simple as thanking them for the conversation, using humor to lighten the mood, or offering a hug.  Taking small steps to reconnect can help to resolve lingering tension and emphasize a sense of moving forward together.

If reconnecting right away doesn’t feel right for one or both of you, that’s okay too.  When or if you decide you’re ready, you can reconnect in a way that works for you. 

Tough conversations support resilience.

The more you can show up to these conversations in a grounded, values-aligned way, the more resilient your relationships become. Instead of seeing conflict as a threat to connection, over time you can become more confident that you (and your relationships) can handle it.  You might start to trust and even welcome tough conversations as a way to support understanding, find common ground, and honor what matters most to everyone involved.