What is mental load? 

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling completely crushed by the weight of your never-ending to-do list, you’re not alone.  This weight has a name: mental load.  To put it simply, mental load is all of the “thinking” that’s needed to manage your responsibilities.  In this post, I’ll explain 3 specific types of thinking that make up your mental load.  

Here are 3 types of “thinking” that make up your mental load:

Anticipating

The mental load of any given responsibility usually starts with anticipating a need.  This involves thinking ahead to recognize and acknowledge a need before it shows up.  

For example, let’s say you’re carrying the mental load of feeding your baby.  Before you sit down to actually feed your baby, an earlier version of you would have needed to know: my baby will need to eat.  While this sounds simple on the surface, imagine what would happen if this need WASN’T anticipated.  Best case scenario, you could improvise and get food to that baby quickly even if you weren’t expecting to.  But what if you didn’t have immediate access to a breastfeeding/chestfeeding parent or a bottle and formula?  This could become really dangerous for your baby.   

While the stakes aren’t this high for every one of your responsibilities, anticipating needs helps you to meet them.  This type of thinking requires you to stay several steps ahead.  It can leave you in a constant state of thinking about what’s coming next – always adding to your running list of “stuff I’ve gotta figure out.”  Add a baby to the mix and this mental tracking can feel never-ending.

Planning

Of course, the mental load doesn’t stop with anticipating a need — you’ll also need a plan to meet that need.  This involves figuring out and organizing all relevant logistics.  

So, again, if you’re carrying the mental load of feeding your baby, planning could look like:

• Creating a feeding schedule or routine to meet your baby’s nutritional needs during the day and overnight.
• Deciding what to feed your baby (like breastmilk or formula, breastmilk AND formula).
• Deciding how to feed your baby (like breastfeeding or bottle feeding, breastfeeding AND bottle feeding).  
• Deciding how much to feed your baby at each age and stage.
• Creating a pumping schedule if you’re planning to bottle feed breastmilk.  
• Figuring out the logistics of pumping at work (inc. learning about your rights to reasonable break times and a clean, private, non-bathroom space).
• Deciding who else will feed your baby (your partner, family member, caregiver) and what they’ll need to know.
• Making a list of any supplies you’ll need to feed your baby (like bottles, all the pieces and parts of your breast pump, sterilization equipment, a way to store pumped milk and keep it cool, and/or something to warm milk before a feed).
• Deciding when to introduce solids, what types of food to try, and how you’ll serve it (ex: pureed or cut up into pieces).
• Prepping to accommodate your baby’s dietary restrictions like food allergies or sensitivities. 
• Researching and choosing your care team (inc. lactation consultant, pediatrician, other medical professionals) to help you manage any potential feeding challenges.

As you can imagine (or, as you have experienced), planning can take up a HUGE amount of brain space.  It involves a lot of decision making.  If you’ve ever felt decision fatigue as a new parent, this may be why.  Decision fatigue – or, being tired of making decisions – is a natural, human response to making so many decisions in such a short amount of time.  Decision fatigue is one reason the planning part of the mental load feels especially heavy.  

Following Through

Once you’ve anticipated a need and made a plan to meet it, the mental load continues with following through, or making sure the plan actually happens and the need is actually met.  Sometimes, you’ll do this by carrying out the plan yourself.  Other times, you’ll delegate then circle back to confirm the plan was followed.

Continuing to use the example of feeding your baby, following through could look like: 

• Gathering (or requesting support to gather) all of the feeding supplies on the list you made.
• Prepping (or requesting support to prep) baby’s food by making bottles or pureeing/mashing/cutting up solids in the way you’ve decided.
• Talking to your supervisor to make sure you have the time and space you need to pump at work.
• Following the pumping schedule you created.
• Sanitizing (or requesting support to sanitize) bottles and pump parts between uses.
• Scheduling and attending (or requesting support to schedule and attend) appointments with your care team as needed.
• And, of course, actually feeding (or requesting support to feed) your baby.

Following through can get complicated quickly.  Either you’re trying to do everything on your own (which is a lot) or you’re the point person for everyone you’ve delegated to (which is also a lot).  Delegating to a partner who doesn’t typically manage the mental load can create conflict if that partner doesn’t recognize or appreciate all the mental load you’ve already carried before requesting their support.  

If this feels like a lot, it’s because it is.

As you can see, a “simple” task like feeding your baby isn’t so simple at all.  It’s not just about the task itself – it’s about anticipating needs, planning how to meet them, and following through to make sure they’re actually met.  This thinking work is super important AND super intense.  Because, of course, becoming a parent adds SO MUCH more to your mental load than just this single example.  No matter how strong you are, the weight of it all can feel impossibly heavy.  Let’s name this.  Let’s honor this.  Let’s use this as a first step to sharing and lightening that load.